Make that future bright

August 5th, 2011 § 2 comments § permalink § About: Brick walls, More philosophical, Right now, The Future

Something that’s working well for me at the moment is what I call emotional visualisation.

This is obviously related to visualisation that athletes use (to improve performance) and in other areas of personal development (to clarify goals and pathways). The key difference here is that this kind of emotional visualisation helps me combat the most persuasive of temptations (like staying longer in a warm shower or eating yet another chocolate).

It works by reminding me of how I’ll feel if I make the right decision, which helps me place more value on a future benefit (like health or getting to work on time).

Why do we de-value the future?

“Future-discounting” is the phenomenon that makes staying in bed instead of going to the gym seem so much more important than your future health (even if being unhealthy as you get older can kill you). Usually, the only argument you can make for the “better” decision is a rational one: “Going to the gym will make me healthier.” You can say this to yourself a million times but your legs won’t spontaneously start moving under the power of superior logic! Do we all know how we make decisions? With emotions.

Bringing the emotions of the future into now

The key here is imagination. When I say “I know the shower’s warm and the bathroom is cold, but the heater’s on in the bedroom! It’s ok! Just… just turn the water off!”, I don’t do anything. That kind of argument doesn’t work on my lizard brain that’s really enjoying the temperature.

If I imagine (really imagine) the heat in the bedroom, the feeling of satisfaction when I’ve got my jacket on about to leave on time, the cute puppies barking at me when I’m walking down the street… oh! The water’s off! (Then, of course, it’s freezing and I regret it immediately but the action has been taken.)

The difference is encouraging myself to feel what I’ll feel in the future – which is a hell of a lot more motivating than plain words.

The importance of immediacy

It’s damn hard to stop myself eating a doughnut because I’ll feel good winning cane fights in the nursing home with my superior health. Instead, I’ll remember the next activity I have coming up that will (genuinely) distract me from that desire and how good that will feel.

“Oh man! Doughnuts! Now wait… you have an awesome dinner waiting at home (or shopping trip planned for tomorrow, or date planned for tonight). Imagine how it will taste… how filling it will be… Good, right? Can you wait?”

Hopefully the answer is yes.

(Notice how I don’t talk about how I might fill myself up or look fat for my date. That’s just self-destructive and you might eat that doughnut to feel better, instead.)

So? Try it now!

Start complaining

July 27th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink § About: Brick walls, Getting started

How good does a tantrum feel?

What? You haven’t thrown a tantrum in years? You think it’s impolite and childish? Think again…

I’m in the middle of Barbara Sher‘s amazing book: Wishcraft. (The helpful ways in which it’s different to so much lifestyle design / self development stuff around these days in another post in itself.)

You can download it for free, too!

The topic of one of the chapters is The Power of Negative Thinking. The key points being:

  • Forced positive thinking can have the opposite effect when you realise that all those positive things just aren’t true (cognitive dissonance, anyone?)
  • Cultures around the world have ritualised ways of complaining (are they onto something we’ve forgotten?)
  • A well managed tantrum or complaining session can relieve your fear and worries about something, leaving you much more able to actually tackle the issue (do you ever really feel worse after crying about something?)

How does a grown up (like you and me) wail and moan in respectable modern society?

Carefully but unapologetically.

When you’re feeling scared or overwhelmed about starting something, or just a bit pissed off, go ahead and complain! You can do this publically or privately. Privately (eg. a secret tantrum diary) is a lot less likely to get you dirty looks but having attentive listeners can be helpful.

If you’d like some attention, make sure to let the person know first what’s about to happen and what’s expected of them!! (It avoids freak outs and unwanted advice.) “Hey, I’m about to lose my shit. Just hear me out and nod knowingly, then I’ll get back to work like nothing ever happened. Are you ok with that?”

When you’re spent, that thing might not look so scary any more.

 

(I’d really recommend you read Barbara’s chapter about this! It’s much more comprehensive and contains a lot better advice than I can impart. It’s Chapter 5.)

Your ego buys books

July 12th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink § About: Excuses for parties, More philosophical

I’m very interested, at the moment, in Beyond Growth’s critical reviews of different aspects of the personal development community. Like most sane people, I tend to perk up at any cult-related suggestions…

In particular, I’m finding discussion around a certain incongruence in personal development messages pretty thought-provoking:

The explicit message of focusing on following your heart, doing what you love, sticking it to the man/boss/society

vs

The suggestions that these changes are required in your life (that you can do better… hello guilt!) and that there’s only a handful of ways to manage this (we can’t all live off ebooks)

The keyword in “self development” is also (you guessed it): self. But fullfilling the “self” doesn’t make you happy… all research into happiness points to social connections and selflessness providing satisfaction and happiness.

Of course – appealing to the ego does tend to sell books. Telling people exactly how to achieve this success also sells books (step by step?? How can I go wrong???).

Self development is also likely an important first step. When you’re satisfied with yourself, it’s easier to create and maintain satisfying relationships and help others without ulterior motives (you aren’t trying to make up for anything).

Nobody talks about this, though. Nobody points out that this is the true end point – probably because it’s all a bit airy fairy and, well, promises of riches or personal satisfaction sell books, not promises that you’ll feel more like giving to charity.

So – what’s the point? What’s the “take home message”? How do I implement this in my life today in three easy steps?

I don’t know… probably “Ego death makes you come out dancing!”

Visualising: the not-so-boring way

July 8th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink § About: The Future

I have a vision of my perfect life. I’m sure this is important but it’s fairly incomplete. Let’s talk to Extremely Future Me!

Future Me, describe what’s going on in your life?

I live on a ridgeline. There are horses, miniature pigs that weigh as much as a rottweiler, peacocks and no goats. The house has stone floors and the bathroom has amazing views (of the ocean!). A bit of a medieval/cottage/prairie/hippie-hideaway blend. There’s a fireplace.

Ok, I knew that actually, thanks. But what do you do all day?

I cook and clean & tidy (when I want to). I sit on the verandahs and decks to read. I sit on the grass to read (and contemplate). I walk to the stream to look at the rocks. To walk on the rocks. It’s nice… Oh, and I feed and take care of the animals so they don’t die.

Do you live there with anyone else?

I think so!

Weird. What do you do when you aren’t pottering around and reading? Do you… do you make soap or something? Please tell me you don’t make soap!

Nope, I buy soap from my neighbours who do have goats. When I’m not reading, I write a lot. I also leave the house to do things… I can’t quite tell you what though.

Oh, sorry… that might have been the point of this conversation, right?

Yeah it was, actually.

I think I might have a separate studio office thing… out in the garden. With the peacocks. I think I write there, but I could also do anything!

You don’t have an adorable homeware/widget store in the village selling pretty-but-non-functional stuff to passing tourists?

Er… no. You know I’m not sociable enough to pull that off!

It seems like your home and work lives are still pretty separate then.

Yeah, they are! Maybe that’s just the way you like it? Is there anything wrong with that?

Well… everyone says to “do what you love” and surely that means your home and work days blend?

Oh no, the work should be fuelled by passion, but “work” inevitably means doing something for others. If you don’t separate home and work, then you’re never not working! No matter how fun your work seems, if you find other people’s expectations distracting or stressful, this is not going to be a Good Thing. Um… do you want me to write something for you about this?

Yes please! Sounds like you’re onto something!

I’ll get right onto it… (just need to fend off the peacocks).

 

Whoohoo! Break-throughs!

So, I still don’t know what I’m doing all day in the Perfect Life but at least I’m writing a blog post for Past Me (current me? Woah… stop now).

(Yep, thanks again Havi!)

My inner child stole my phone

July 7th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink § About: Brick walls, Excuses for parties

I allocated this post as an “excuse for a party” before starting, because this is a tricky tricky tricky thing to write and I figured posting it would be an excuse for a party, if nothing else! I’d deserve it. A “personal talk” party!

The last couple of days have seen a lot of changes to how we organise things at work (ourselves, projects, time). This is amazing and I love it.

One of the things we’re going to knuckle down on is our dedication to quick communication; i.e. phone calls.

Phone calls terrify me.

My inner two year old throws a tantrum when I have to make one and will think up any excuse to avoid it, like: too much effort, there’ll be hard questions, I’ll say something stupid, I’m wasting/interrupting their time.

Effort? Poor excuse…

Hard questions? Sometimes, but proper communication also stops problems before they become hard questions! Easy phone calls early avoids hard phone calls later.

Saying something stupid? Hasn’t happened yet… I don’t think.

Wasting/interrupting their time? That’s their stuff. I need an answer, they gave me their number, I’m allowed to call.

Ok two year old… are those fair enough answers? (She pouts but knows I’m right.)

(Credit to Havi Brooks for the personification idea – and lots of others.)

Actions speak louder than words

July 4th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink § About: Brick walls

I post every day because I figure I think things often enough to warrant it. But today… I’m busy! I went to the dentist! My daily witing speil was not appropriate for a blog post! (I know – shock horror gasp – she’s a lying liar)

But

If I say I post every day and then don’t, the Brain’s going to say, “Well, you obviously don’t post every day, so why bother?” That, darlings, is how diets fail.

If you say you care about something but your actions say otherwise, which is the truth? Let’s talk about revealed preferences, sometime!

This whole concept is worth a post alone, but I don’t have time (or brain power) to do the research right now.

I need a doughnut.

Holy exploding doughnuts, Batman!

July 1st, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink § About: Books

Just started a new book (thank you Angus & Robertson’s liquidation sale): We Have Met The Enemy by Daniel Akst. “Self-Control in an Age of Excess”

I’m enjoying the writing so far and the non-preachy suggestions that maybe maybe personal responsiblity might be important to getting ahead in life. Can’t wait to finish it and review!

 

If blog posts are scary, don’t write them

June 30th, 2011 § 1 comment § permalink § About: Brick walls, Getting started, Writing

I can’t write a blog post thinking it’s a blog post. I get text area paralysis – “This is it! Everyone will see this!” – it’s all too much…

The solution? Private daily writing. You might have heard people swear by it and it’s for a good reason: it works. I have a love/hate relationship with writing and journals, but daily writing (however inane or stupid) for the last couple of months has worked wonders to:

  • work through what’s going on in my head (fears, new ideas, plans etc.); and
  • start blog posts!

I have no idea what most people actually write about when they do this “daily writing” thing. They might write novels; I don’t know. I write something about what’s on my mind. Anything. I also use scraps of paper that then float around on my desk or in my bag, rather than a terrifying here-for-posterity journal.

What’s the difference between what I write on paper and post here?

Not much.

These posts are longer and more refined, but the content is the same and it only takes one try to get started. It’s purely the mindset of not worrying about it being PUBLIC or PERMANENT that makes it a million times easier.

So if “blog posts” are just too hard or scary… don’t write blog posts!

The perils of getting stuff done

June 29th, 2011 § 2 comments § permalink § About: Brick walls, Getting started

I have a problem, you see. I’ve cleared out too much work and, like draining an old pond, I’m running into previously submerged rocks (or rather – things I’ve been putting off for damn good reasons).

These rock-things are hard.

I’m terrified that I might just have to do them. That I might clear them out too and end up with a frighteningly comfortable schedule for the next few months.

Having a lighter load makes is extremely tempting to start prioritising again. To search for the things that need immediate attention, waste time organising (cause I have the time, right?) and end up with a bunch of stuff piling up again (which is comfortable in its familiarity).

I don’t really want that. I want to clear it out.

The answer? Don’t think. Just do.

(These left-over rocks won’t take as long as I think.)

It won’t take as long as you think. No excuses!

June 28th, 2011 § 1 comment § permalink § About: Getting started, Right now

This epiphany is in the same vein as the concept of “Doing, not thinking“. It’s a bit exciting. Except now it’s…

Immediate implementation time! Time for fun.

 

The situation: You aren’t doing something because it’s a bit scary. You don’t need to do it immediately, which is a good excuse to put it off until “you have more time to think about it properly”.

Try: Recording how long things take you for a few days or a week. This is especially good if you get some “scary” stuff done that week, so you can look at the time later. Record as much as you can!

Example:

Writing an email to so-and-so             [00:15]
Doing task A on project X                     [00:48]

Then: Look at the results. Did that “complicated” email actually take that long to write? Why would the one you’re still putting off take any longer? Can you afford to spend that 15 minutes right now to do it?

Probably.

So do it.

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